THE VEGETARIAN

This neighbour I have is a ridiculous vegetarian. Her name is Jane. I have nothing against any vegetarians, nothing against anybody’s diet. But this lady … She prances around like she’s won a vegetarian Nobel Prize. She’ll tell you, and she’ll say that her vegetarian diet is more ethical and more friendly to the environment and blah-blah-blah. This is Jane, dropping a comment about how great her vegetables are and better than ours, because she’s a vegetarian and we’re not. 

You won't find her chomping down on a juicy burger or sliding around a succulent steak. Instead, she'll be the first to try the newest vegetarian restaurants in town. Her BFFs are tofu and lentils, and her chickpea curry will blow your mind. No matter how well hidden away, Jane will sniff out any animal products in food. She has this natural ability that’s almost superhuman, you know. I witnessed her detect the presence of gelatin in a fruit snack through smell alone. She possesses the skill of a private eye. Who needs a detective when you've got Jane around?