liyana,

At one point in time, you told me you found someone. Decent enough, you said, who will make you happy.

I think you tried hard to articulate it to me in the most sensitive and friendly manner. We were no longer young and foolish at this age. We had choices and freedom to be with whoever we wanted to. To live in ways we perceived to be outrageous and sensible at the same time.

We were adults.

I did not know which had hurt me most, that you found someone else or maybe just the fact that I could not be with you any longer.

And also when I was told that he was a lot like me. How he reminded you of me. 

In addition to that, you said we needed to curb this enthusiasm. About us.

You didn’t want that bugger to be worried. About us.

liyana, what the.

What was it that we did not fucking realise we had back then?

Someone had to come and took you away from me so that I could finally understand the pain and the pit of loneliness that I had to wake up to every morning. The thought of not having you ever in my life was so severe, I have lost my will to reason with it.

And just like that, you had to leave.

I didn’t remember what happened after that. How it went from then onward until much later. I didn’t think any good would come from remembering those time.

I heard about you from a friend maybe once or twice. And when I heard that you were happy, I just appeared nonchalant. I’d thought this was the right age to have my heart broken.

This is part of growing up, I tried convincing myself several times.

But to be frank, I hated most part of it. I would rather hand you a knife and look you in the eye as you pushed the cold sharp metal right through my beating heart. I would not be able to tell the difference.

I lived with that torture, sayang. For what could have been forever.

Little did I know then, that you too had your fair share of misery. What you had thought to be a happy trail, did not turn out as how you had planned it to be.

Saying this might make me sound sadistic. So much for being respectful. Truth was part of me was awakened when I realised that I have found a fighting chance.

To be with you. Again.

At whose cost, you asked. liyana, everybody pays the price one way or another.

chairil