liyana,

We spoke of death and rebirth very early on during the onset of our relationship.

I was laden with the terrible news of my mother’s terminal sickness and how everything went downhill and bleak from there. You did not step back. Unflinching you took my hand and told me to be strong. You said paint her a rosy landscape and beautiful pictures, though she might never reach there but.

You said to tell her every day that I loved her.

I know all you wanted to say is just to make her happy and comfortable in her last remaining days.

We barely know each other then.

And there we were talking about death. About the pain of losing someone.

And your sunny disposition. They were not all sunshine throughout.

After we have gotten a little closer, I understood how you meant that people laugh and smile when they are trying to hide emotions.

You did that a lot. I was beginning to wonder the crack at the end of that smile of yours.

You said not to think of you as someone strong and passionate but extremely vulnerable. You said you would rather cut my throat. And how you had wished this world to end.

liyana. You were only 22 years old.

If I could carry you in my arms, and take you home, some place safe to mend your broken spirit. The broken wings of yours. I would definitely have. 

Maybe I already have. Maybe. I do not know. All I know is that this silly little heart has never given up on you. 

Ever.

chairil