"It's good it turned out this way, Julia. Sam did explain everything to me. I knew it from the beginning it's all just a misunderstanding," I said to Julia through Skype regarding all that happened between her and Sam. I was so relieved when I was told that Sam was settling his business problems with the authorities.

          "All right, Marina. I will try to calm down, as you said," replied Julia.

          "Ha! Now we are talking! Don't worry okay? Stop thinking too much."

          "Thanks, Marina. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm sorry I always bother you with my problems. We'll talk again later all right. But I promise it's not going to be about all these ever again."

           "All right. No worries!"

           "Bye, Marina!" Julia waved goodbye.

          "Phew! What a relief!" I said to myself as soon as we said goodbye.

           "Marina. Let's have a break..." Michelle called me softly. She came out from the kitchen with two bowls of monk beans and durian puddings.

          "Oh wow! This tastes bomb!" I said after the first scoop. The taste of the Durian...yummy!

          "I mean...look who's the chef.." said Michelle beaming with pride.

          "Where on earth did you get the durian, Michelle?"

          "I can't tell you. I'll take you there when I have time, all right!" she answered, making it sound like it was a mysterious place.

          "However you want it, Michelle," I shook my head and continued eating.

           When I was done with it, I sat back at my table and checked all of the Facebook updates. I took my time to reply to one direct message sent to me earlier. Had it not for a long talk with Julia, I would have them all replied right away. Most of these messages were actually from Hey's staff, who wished me good luck. Feeling so contented, I replied to each of them and thanked them for the Barbara Walters memoir they gifted me before I left for California.

          Yes. I did accept Diana Sinclair's job offer and proceeded with the move. Today marked the seventh day of my being in California. I had informed Diana and Lataya's management about my arrival and they wanted me to start working by next week. I had given it the deepest thought and burned the bridge before coming here for my career. Well, sort of. Because there was actually one thing left hanging...

          "A question of love," Michelle interrupted out of nowhere.

          "Huh?!" my head turned fast on her, wondering just how did this woman know exactly what was in my mind.

          "What?" she asked me, confused with the look I gave her.

          "Did you ask anything to me just now?"

          "Not that I can recall. Why?"

          "I thought I heard you talking to me just now," I frowned.

          "Ahh, that! No, it wasn't to you. I was just reading the headlines in this latest Hey."

          "What? It's already out? Give me that!"

          Michelle handed the magazine to me.

          "This edition is about love?" I said that out loud, feeling so weird as I found it quite off the trail. And it was not even Valentine's month! Daniel's face flashed to my eyes in an instant and I quickly texted him on Facebook.

          -Hi! I'm reading Hey's latest issue.

         For a few minutes, I just stood there waiting for his reply but none was received. So I turned my attention to Michelle before I heard something.

          'Ping!' it was the Facebook notification.

          "From who?" asked Michelle.

          "Daniel..." I answered her calmly, trying my best to hide my excitement. I immediately read Daniel's message.

         -Hi...!!!- Well it was a short one. But those three acclamation points confused me.

          -Hi Daniel!- I replied, but only with one acclamation point, trying not to show how excited I was.

         -I'm sorry Marina. I've got some work just now. Have you read the new one?-

         -I have-

         -Wow! I didn't expect that you still have interest in Hey-

          -I have not! It's just that it reminds me of something-

          -Something or someone?- I may not be able to see his face, but I could imagine that cheeky face behind this question.

          -????!!!!- I replied to him just with these marks, which could be actually translated to 'What are you trying to ask?! Please don't play with my heart okay? Don't even start it understand?!'

          -So how was this Love Edition, Marina? Any good?-

          -Very! But why love?-

          -Why not?-

          -It's only November.-

          -Why not November?-

          -Because It's Love-

          -Marina...Love has no season. No month unlike Independence Day or Aidilfitri or Christmas. Love happens at any time.-

          -But there's a special month for it, right?-

          -The Valentines. Hmm...let's do something different. Let's celebrate love every single day! More, lots of Malaysian people get married at the end of every year right?-

          -That's right! Genius! So, what are you going to do for February?-

          -Hmmm...Since other magazines are talking about love, Hey will do a different topic. But nothing decided yet!-

          -Sounds like a good strategy-

          -So how's California, Marina?-

          -It's a nice place. But it's totally different from KL Daniel. I can't imagine coming here alone-

          -Thank God Michelle is there with you-

          -Yes. When Gina told me she could not make it the other day, I was so panicked. Good thing Michelle could replace her-

          -What about the place to stay? Have you reported in Lataya?-

          -All is good so far. The house is comfortable and I feel quite safe here. I'll start working next week. I'm so nervous, Daniel!-

          -Don't worry. You'll blend in in no time! Hey is not the same without you, you know. We all miss you here T_T-

          -Really? I don't believe it.-

          -I swear to God! You were the best reviewer we ever had.-

          -Yeah right!-

         -The Urban Fruits are studying your reviews as a reference-

          -Oh wow... they never told me that!-

         -Well of course they want to protect their images-

         -That's funny! I thought the reviews had so much room to improve-

         -Oh by the way...what about Eddie and Norman? Have you told them your decision?-

         Oh, Daniel. Why did you have to talk about this now? Why?!

         -Still couldn't decide...-

         -You still could not decide? Marina...you are such a good player!-

        -What? Player? Don't even start Daniel...-

          -Okay. I'm sorry. I was just kidding.-

          -I'm everything but a player... :(-

          -I know. Don't cry okay? But I think it's better if you stop making them keep waiting, Marina. It's not good to make people hang up. Doing the same would only drag us down to their level.-

          -Is there any woman being pregnant with your child right now, Daniel?-

          -Huhhh?-

          -You speaking like a father, Daniel. ROTFL-

          -Very funny Marina! Very funny!-

         -All right, Daniel. I don't want to keep bothering you. We'll chat later okay?-

          -Okay! Take care all right. Don't forget to eat. :D-

          -Thank you, Daniel! Work hard, play hard!-

         -You're most welcome! You too!-

         What Daniel said was nothing but the truth. I needed to do something for the goodness of everyone. I had to give them my answer and take down the heat that I had caused them before I left for California.

          I read the email that I drafted for Norman:

          Hi Norman! How are you? I hope you are doing just fine. I'm sorry for taking such a long time to reconnect with you. There are just so many things needed my attention lately and now only I have the chance to write to you. For your knowledge, I am already in California and by next week I am going to start working at Lataya.

          I can't explain to you just how excited I am to be starting a new life here. Sometimes, it did cross my mind whether or not all of this was a reality or just an illusion. To be honest, I still can't believe that I'm already here. Everything is changed in the blink of an eye, it seems. It feels like yesterday we just stepped into a new year and now another new year is fast approaching in less than two months. Sometimes, it was too fast it scared me to even sleep at night. But I guess that's life. We just have to get through the reality of it, no matter what.

          We are always on this fast lane for a better reality and just like any other people in this so-called rat race, we are among those who get affected so much just by how fast the clock is ticking. Norman, we have known each other for almost a decade now and we have learned so much about each other along the way. We have been through so many things together and that has somehow made us close with each other and eventually, we were getting too close that it involved romantic feelings between us. It was a special one to me, so special that we always became the target of other people's jealousy.

          However, the sky is not always clear, our relationship has been severed and from that moment on, we try to forget the years that had passed. Looking for different directions. Embracing new roads we never knew existed, in finding and getting to know ourselves who had been lulled in dreams.

         To be honest, what happened had a profound effect on me and to this day, I am still affected by it. Still, it had taught me a lot about the meaning of life and from there, I had been given the strength to rebuild a new life. Everything that happened made me realize that I could not expect anyone else to determine the direction of my life. Then, my only focus was to be happy with the loved one. But after what happened, I realized that I needed to love myself first before I could love others so that I could better appreciate life and the people in my life.

         Norman, I believe you can already assume the motive of this email at this point. And yes, it's nothing else but to give you the answer to your question about 'us' the other day.

          It never crossed my mind that you would disappear from my life. You were a part of my life for a long time. We knew each other when we were a teenager. So how could I forget those years and the beautiful time I had with a man named Norman?

          My heart said that Norman was the only one who knew me better than anyone else. There was something about Norman that was so compatible with me. Even now his presence can still be felt although he is thousands of miles away. His long existence has made him so influential in my life. So strong was his influence that what I did and decided revolved around the question of whether it would make this man proud or not.

          It's not easy, to get rid of something that has been a part of you for so long.

          However each of us is blessed with a brain to think, and an emotion to feel and with a great balance of both, I believe we can brace this challenging life with so much peace. And so, with all the sanity and stability of emotion that I'm blessed with, I'm finally ready to let you know, that this great influence that a person named Norman has on me right now is not strong enough to make me say 'Yes' to coming back to him and continue with the relationship we once had, as he wishes.

          My heart feels so heavy right now, to have to come out with this decision. I'm deeply saddened by the fact that for the second time, this special relationship finally came to a dead end. But I really hope for both of us to not regret anything that came our way, for they are going to make us a better person now. It has been destined to be like this and we must accept the fact that even with that huge love between us, it's still not going to make us.

          I hope you will get everything you dream of, one day. And I hope you will cross paths with someone who will love you with all her heart, someone who will give you all the attention and devotion you need.

          And certainly, I hope that our relationship will not end just here. May our friendship continue to last and may we have the happiness we dreamed of.

          Sincerely,

          Marina.

         I hit the 'send' button when I was satisfied with the email.

          "Phew! What a relief! Now, onto Eddie...I think it's better that I give him a call" I said to myself.

          "What?" Michelle voiced out, all of a sudden.

          "Nothing. Did I say anything?" I replied.

         "Either I really heard you mentioned Eddie's name or I was hallucinating."

          "You were eavesdropping!" I told her that and she burst into laughter. "Looks like I have to be more careful mentioning anyone's name after this..."

          "So...what are you having in your mind now?"

          "I don't know...I think I should give him a call, Michelle."

          "I think that's a wise move. Try to avoid the heat in any way," seconded Michelle.

          "Talking about the heat, did you erase what I told you to, yesterday?"

          "Of course!" I said to Michelle while browsing a couple of paragraphs I deleted from the email I just sent to Norman.

          Norman, I don't hate you. But to be honest, the love you give me will slowly change me into being a different person.

          I am willing to sacrifice for it, but this life is too short for things like that.

          "Yes, confirmed! I have removed all the corny paragraphs."

          "Good. Now what are you waiting for? Give Eddie a call," urged Michelle.

          "Now?" I hesitated.

          "Yes! Why? Are you embarrassed?"

         "Embarrassed? Of course not!"

         "Then what? Just call him."

          "Are you sure that I should use a direct call?"

          "Yes. A direct phone call."

         "What about Skype? Email?"

         "Oh, no. I don't think so. It's not going to work. Use the phone call. More 'umph' and dramatic!"

         "More 'umph'? Whatever you meant by that Michelle! But honestly, I think a phone call is the way to go. More dramatic, more telenovela. More 'umph' as you said."

         "So what are you waiting for? Stop wasting time. Call him now!"

          "I will. I will. But..."

          "But what now..."

          "I think you are being a little bit too close to me. I need some privacy."

          "Did she just throw me away? A friend who has been helping one of my best friends with her mental health and trying to stay positive and...." Michelle paused before she continued. "I'll go now...to the kitchen! Sob...sob..sob..." she walked fast into the kitchen. I just laughed at her and all her drama.

          I quickly grabbed my phone and looked for Eddie's phone number in it. But all of a sudden, my phone rang and an unfamiliar number popped up on my screen. From the number reflected, I knew it was from Malaysia.

          "Hello?" I answered the call with a cautious voice.

          "Hello Marina..." a gentleman's voice greeted me from the other end but I knew the voice very well. Especially when it's pronouncing my name.

          "Eddie?" I made sure, however. It's funny how this could happen.

          "Yes, Marina. It's me, Eddie."

          "Eddie! I was just about to call you! How odd is this..."

         "Oh, no. You don't. I find it hard to believe. You haven't remembered me at all."

         "I swear to God Eddie! I was looking for your number when the phone rang."

          Eddie just gave me a laugh. I knew it was unbelievable and he might not buy what I just said. It was not easy to explain coincidence to people anyway.

          "So what were you doing just now Marina?"

         "As I told you just now, I was searching for your number..." I repeated it, trying to make him believe it.

          "Oh yes! Sorry, I forgot. If that's the case, that's great. I thought nobody was remembering me."

         I just laughed at what he just said. I was actually confused by the emotion he was trying to convey. I did not know if it was sadness, laughter or grief.

         "Where are you now Eddie?" I tried to change the subject.

          "I am now in Penang. Just finished with a seminar. I'm bored. That's why I called you."

          "Are you alone there?"

          "No, I'm with my netbook. I've spent all day on it."

          "Youtube?"

          "Yes. Among others."

          "Among others?"

          "Watching 'interesting' things ..." he answered briefly, ending with a mischievous laugh.

          "Don't make me start imagining things, Eddie. Seriously, what are you actually doing?"

          "Take a guess!"

         "You read Obefiend's blog?"

         "No."

         "Jumie Samsudin's?" 

         "No."

         "Zalora.com"

          "No way!"

         "You read the manga?"

          "Wrong."

          "The news..."

          "News?" Eddie burst into laughter. It must be so funny.

          "Enough with this! I give up! Nothing is right!" I raised a white flag and Eddie was still laughing at me.

          "I was actually browsing MIT and Oregon State University's websites."

         "Oh wow! Are you planning to further your study?"

         "Looks like it. But I'm not sure when yet. I'm looking for the most suitable thesis topic to work on."

         "Well, you really should proceed with a Ph.D. after that. Just so I can call you Dr Eddie!"

         "Dr. Eddie? Wow, you are being too far in the future now."

         "Of course I am! We must think far ahead. Who knows you can work at the MIT later."

          "Well I never thought of that before but I appreciate the motivation. Amen!" 

         "Hope so."

         "But if I really get a job at MIT, will you come with me, Marina?" asked Eddie. He sounded quite serious like he was really planning for it now.

          "Of course! I can see Prof. Chomsky!" I joked around, trying to save myself from answering his tricky question.

          "That will give us many headaches!" replied Eddie.

          "It's okay, you can just drink your happy juice."

          "If rambutan is everywhere there!" added him, before he laughed and took a deep sigh after that.

         "Maybe you should invent a new juice," I suggested him. However, I did not get any response from him this time. In fact, he moved to another topic.

         "How's everything there? Are you prepared for the new workplace?"

         "Prepared? I have no idea what to prepare, honestly. One minute I feel so excited. The next minute I feel like puking. I hope everything is going to be fine next week."

         "Calm down. Don't worry about it. Everything is going to be okay. Trust me. In four weeks you will get used to everything."

         "I hope for the same. Thank you, Eddie, for calling me and for the spirit."

          "I consider that my responsibility although...hmmm..." he paused for a while. Trying to find the words to say maybe.

         "Oh. You don't have any plan tonight, Eddie?"

          "No. I plan to stay in this hotel room all alone tonight. Doing some reflection," he replied.

         "That sounds...interesting? What kind of self-reflection are going to do tonight?" 

         "Self reflects on the love that got away," said Eddie.

        "Hahahahahaha!" we both burst into laughter at the same time.

         Eddie once told me, "When things got too painful, you either avoid them or we laugh"

         "Prince of Tides?" I made a guess.

         "Impressive!" replied Sham excitedly as we share the same film interests.

         "So you made that a life's principle?"

        "Sometimes. Especially when the reality is too painful to swallow," Answered Eddie.

         A  few days before I left for California, I met Eddie. I told him about my departure and the answers to the questions he once asked me. The answer I gave was indeed disappointing to Eddie. My reason for not wanting to rush into matters of love and marriage was accepted by Eddie calmly. From then on, we were no longer in touch. When I tried to contact Sham, I was actually hesitant to talk to him. I worried that Eddie was being cold to me.

          "Don't be like that, Eddie. I think it's not the right time. Even if it happens, I don't think it's going to be fair for both you and the other party."

          "Maybe it's just me barking for the wrong tree."

          "I have no idea what to say."

          "Or maybe I was being too pushy? We just met a couple of times after years of not seeing each other, and I had the audacity to ask her to marry me. Maybe that scared her."

          "See, you're not being patient.."

         "Maybe I have to wait. I have to give her some time. Who knows this time around the arrow is going to shoot straight on the target?"

          I just giggled at what he just said before we continued talking for quite a while and said goodbye after that.

          Still thinking about the conversation I just had with Eddie, my phone suddenly beeped off. I received a message.

          "Norman..." I said the name slowly and proceeded to the text.

         I understand everything you said. I'm sorry if I made you like a candle in the wind, trying to find yourself behind my shadow.

         Sincerely, 

         Norman.

**************

         "Phew! It's not easy to satisfy everyone!" I sighed.

        "But this is the best path, and I am really really grateful for everything."

         I opened up the window and took a peek outside. There was a bunch of kids playing joyfully in the park. I looked up to the sky and it was so bright and beautiful. For instance, one after another faces of everyone who had come into my life flashed through my mind. No matter in what characters they came as, each of them had taught me to evaluate, to understand and most importantly to love myself more than I ever be.

          I grabbed my journal and browsed through every single page. There were lots of beautiful words with beautiful meanings to keep me at heart. I reread what Diana Sinclair had written.

          What would you do if you suddenly lost everything? How do you keep going? How do you keep yourself motivated?

          What would you do if you just realized that you are not sure what you want in life? What would you do if you just realized that for a long period of time, you just focused on the happiness of others but not yours?

          But it is never too late to mend. Everyone needs an icon... a clearer picture of which peak they want to reach. It's important to know what you want in life. It's important to imagine success and to have focus. You imagine yourself having some well-known significance or qualities. It could be literal or figurative meaning. Personal icon. You work towards that. To achieve and materialize what you imagine in your head. Put your energy on it and seek the meaning of life out of it.

          I read them over and over again and could not stop smiling. My heart whispered, 'Zara Murad, James, Susila, Rani, Rohani, Norman, Daniel, Eddie, Saerah, Gina, Julia, Diana Sinclair and all of you; Thank you for all the inspiration. All of you will always be in my prayers.,

         I closed the journal that was full of coincidence, drama and tragedy. If I had uncertainties about the concept of fate prior to this, looking back through my journal made me realise how fate goes around in our lives. Our fates have been written, desires and expectations will be expressed, signs will be given, and actions must be taken. Fate has many facets that allow us to choose. We have always been given a choice, and every one of us is responsible for our own life in this mysterious reality that we live in.