liyana,

I think this will be my last letter. If these words managed to reach you somehow, I hope that in some way they made you feel loved. And safe.

I think I have spoken at length.

But I do not think words are suffice to paint the picture of us. None of the syllables in this universe would do. We are not a love story. Not conventional. Not tragic.

We are us.

You and I, you said.

If I could capture just one beautiful moment of us, it would be that night at Lai Krathong festival when we visited your friends in Bangkok. You were eager to float your decoration too together with them; you told me that the action symbolizes the letting go of anger, negative feelings and sadness.

You said, ‘sometimes the most beautiful thing carries the heaviest burden.’

I reached out for your hand. And kissed it.

‘Hence the most beautiful,’ I replied.

You looked at me. I remembered a profound tenderness in your gaze. The same look that I fell for years and years ago.

At times I could not quite figure why you’d let me into your life. I could only wish that I have done right by you somehow. Treated you right at some point.

liyana,

I am going to end this with your line. The one that you said to me when you finally gave in.

‘I love the reminder of your soul.’

Same here, sayang.

Always.

chairil