liyana,

Today I spoke to God.

I spoke to Him about you. About your untimely passing.

I told Him it was unfair. That you had to leave this world too soon.

I told Him you were a sunshine. A rainbow. And a lover. Everything about you made this solemn universe a bearable, a slightly tender and a hopeful place to live in.

I told Him you were a brilliant force of life, who exudes love from every inch and pore of your being. Whose laughter and joy brightened up my days. Whose tender words and kisses at nights kept me steady and peaceful.

liyana, I pointed it all out to Him. As if I was trying to justify that this whole thing was a mistake. That it should not have happened.

I was telling God that He made a mistake of taking you away from me.

liyana,

Remember how I once told you that God made this world a beautiful place, when all you felt was giving up. When you said you have seen too much, and you bled too deep. And all I wanted was to hold you and make everything right for you.

But apparently God loves you more than I do.

He created a paradise for you. A more beautiful place I supposed, away from the pitiful life that this world has to offer. Away from me.

liyana,

I prayed to God often these days. I keep telling Him to look after you. As if I did not know that He created you, brought you into my life, made me happy, and eventually took you away as He had promised He would.

Still, I asked Him again and again, unnecessarily and repetitively to look after you. And keep you safe.

I told Him to love you, which is completely dumb because He is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim. He loves you first when you were created. He loves you when you were put here on earth. And He will love you long after this world has ended. 

He will always love you more than I could.

And I seek His permission to let us meet again. One day.

I would do, sayang, whatever it takes.

chairil