liyana,

For someone with an innate thirst for life, a vigorous act of making each moment count is a must. You are brutally honest in your view points and in facing whatever that life throws at you. On almost everything that you could chew. You love giving everyone your piece of mind.

Your takes on everything may or may not bide well on others. Every time you assert yourself, some do actually get a little intimidated. They refused to listen and fight back heedlessly. Why do I say heedlessly, because it was not necessary for them to say harsh and mean things to you just to get even. They do not seem to understand that you are entitled to your opinions, even though it may sound a little bit shallow sometimes. They did not seem to get that you voicing your opinions is simply an expression of free will. They made you angry. But the truth is they made you sad. Because all you wanted was just to be heard.

But there are others who are tolerant of your viewpoints. These sort are the ones who most likely someone you know. Someone you loved. Someone who loved you back. They understood you. And they did not hurt you for being yourself.

I fell quickly into that last category. Rather intuitively.

And you sensed that too. Rather intuitively.

It took us awhile to get there, didn’t we? Or maybe not.

Did you remember that we fought too at first? We both needed to win. Coming from opposite angles, we interpreted each other on different levels, we found that we were not making sense; therefore we started hurting each other. We snapped. I think it was me. I gave up rather quickly when you became pretty cruel with your words. No your words were not cruel, they were elegant. It was the underlying tone that was very demeaning and pierced me through and through.

It was your way of winning your arguments. Of getting your points across.

I realised back then, you could make a monster out of me. You were only 21. And I was 24.

liyana, you asked when did we turn things around. How did we get from there to here? To where loving you doesn’t feel like a tedious and improbable task.

I do not know.

Maybe I realised that I loved it when you let your guard down. When you laughed freely at the simplest things. When you threw yourself at me several times, I enjoyed that feeling I get holding you safe in my arms. I liked that feeling of listening to you ranting about little things that are sometimes mindless but amusing to you. Every time you speak infused with love and energy, I wanted to put my lips over your mouth and breathe in all those layers of life you possessed.

I love your tender moments.

Your vulnerability was not your weakness. It made you human. It made you profoundly beautiful.

chairil