liyana,

You were a busy bee. Always have something to be occupied with. Always with something to say. Your need to express yourself manifest itself in various forms.

To you, the world was one big stage. And you were in the centre of it all.

To me, you were my world. I enjoyed you to the tiniest detail.

So when I caught you one Sunday morning looking out the balcony silently. You didn’t touch the breakfast I made for you. Your regular toast with sunny side up. And latte. My mind went quizzical.

Nothing had ever really troubled you before. You were always here in the present. Engaging me. And the rest of the world.

It bothered me to see you a million miles away. As if the rest of the world before you just dissipated.

I had to ask. Shattering your tranquility, I had to step in.

Maybe out of jealousy. Or out of curiosity.

I did not want you to take that journey alone.

It took a while before you finally speak. You looked slightly different. A tinge of regret or melancholy, I could not really point it out. But you smiled throughout. Your voice was tender.

You said you remembered a dream.

About us.

You described the dream pretty vividly. In it you were sick, and I was caring for you. You remembered in that dream that you held me close. You could sense that I was leaving.

So, you held my hand and asked me to stay. You and me just like this, you said. Silently. Knowingly. But I parted away from you. Somehow, I turned around one last time and kissed you hard. Passionately. Drawing out your soul. You pushed me back. Uttering goodbye. And watched me left.

Something in me wounded when you finished.

You said you had that dream from our early days of knowing each other. And only recently you began to reminisce that forlorn dream. For no particular reason, you said.

You in the garden chair. Still not touching your breakfast and latte.

Me against the balcony railing. Speechless over some teenage dream.

You had always been right about us. What took me so long to comprehend, you digested it in matter of seconds. You were fearless in recognising emotions. I ran around like a little chicken fearing that the sky might fall.

You had to deal with me.

It took awhile, liyana. For me to face my fear of emotions. Running around was simply a childish habit ingrained in me out of fear of being leashed. Of being made to settle into ordinariness. Thus, leaving a trail of broken hearts behind.

But you took it all in regardless. Whether or not I chose to grow up and ultimately face my feelings for you.

chairil