liyana,

We have had relationships with other people. Despite the fact that I had fallen for you and you felt the same, we were practical people. We had distance between us and we have needs. We were also too young to really understand what love means.

It was a confusing time for me.

She was a sweet young thing too. She was decent. All manners.

I told you about her. Just about the same time you told me about the nerdy guy you dated in university.

I think at this point we called it a quit between us. Or maybe it was me. I didn’t like the idea of you carving your happiness with someone else.

I wasn’t particularly certain too if I had loved her. I’d like to think that I did.

However, one particular memory stood out among the rest. This one concerning you somehow.

She wanted to borrow my pen drive for her assignments. So I gave her the only one I had. And left.

Almost 10 minutes after I left her flat, I turned the car around and rushed back to her place. I had just realised that I saved copies of your letters and correspondences to me on that pen drive. As well as my letters to you.

By the time I reached her room, she was still in front of the computer. Teary-eyed.

Without looking at me she asked flatly, ’who is liyana.’

I said liyana was someone I used to know awhile back. She had found the folder. Your folder. I just had to come clean about it.

I told her there was nothing between us anymore. I tried to convince her.

She turned to look at me. I was pretty nervous. I wasn’t sure whether I was trying to convince her or myself in the first place.

She sighed. I think she believed me.

I thought I won. I thought a relief.

Until she said, ’you will never love me like you loved her.’

liyana, her speech was not one of jealousy. It was a sheer defeat.

chairil