THE WAITER

And here’s what you need to know about Bakri, the waiter down the road. This guy goes to the extreme with customer service. He will bend over backwards for anyone who walks through the restaurant doors, and he will deliver compliments worthy of Shakespeare. Let’s say you are sitting at your table and you are attempting to eat your food, but before you know it, Bakri is next to you, his body with its unmistakable gyrations, and his'so-happy-to-have-you’ smile plastered on his toffee face. ‘Ma’am,’ he will say. ‘What a taste you have!’ Any meal we order is celestial. It is heaven!’ He sometimes goes on and on until he has to stop halfway and say, ‘I mean heaven!’ Because he sometimes seems to get lost midway through his ridiculous act. Look at his body moving like this; his brain is starting to crunch like old teeth grinding. But he will try to remember the rest of it.

He is ecstatic about every item you order, as if the way he is expressing it might give the impression that it is a spectacular restaurant that he is managing on his night off. Every glass of water you order is the best glass of water in town. Every dish on your table is worthy of a perfect 10, and open affectionate celebrations at him filling the job-replacement role and delivering the goodness. And usually, like a greedy raider, he’ll sneak in a tie-in bonus concept, like, ‘You can’t afford this water at home, but it’s not that much here.’ And then he starts in on celebrity worship because he knows you’re a celebrity, even with the slightest semblance of being recognisable. I’ve watched his eyes roll back into his head from eyegasms when an obscure reality TV star wanders in.