liyana,

Today was hardly a productive day. Meetings were strenuous though they have always been, it was just that during one of the meetings it had brought out the worst in me. Shouting matches were common in the meetings I conducted but this time it went a little bit overboard.

If the other guy was not seated a good distance away at the meeting table, I would have thrown him a punch or two.

It was a simple contractual issue. I know how inappropriate it was to loose your temper over something that could be handled with tact and prudence.

But he lied through his teeth. And I just had enough of it.

I remembered when you were once caught in a similar situation. But it was worse for you because she was a good friend of yours. You told me she accused and humiliated you of many things which were not accurate and unfounded, in front of your colleagues. In full view of your office.

You became defensive, you said. And started a shouting match. Luckily it did not escalate to a cat-fight. But even if it did, I would still place my winning bet on you.

You said you felt terrible afterwards for letting her get to you. You said she was not worth it. But I presumed you acted that way because you were caught off guard by the very people that you trust.

You told me times and times again, that people tend to disappoint you.

To you, trust is the foundation of the relationship. It was something that you did not give away freely.

But for me, trust was never an issue. It happened to be a privilege I gave everyone until they finally wronged me. But even then, I believe all of us human are flawed. All of us are entitled to make a mistake or two. It is part of growing up. 

I always believe in the goodness of mankind. I saw the best of you in your darkest hour. I think it was partly the reason why you fell for me.

Therefore my inappropriate behaviour today shocked my colleagues and friends. They pulled me out of the meeting room and told me to go home.

I hate going home. To an empty unit. To a place where I could no longer hear your voice.

Where I could no longer touch you.

chairil