IS THIS MY FAULT?
One morning, just as I woke up from sleep, I was laying there, frozen. My eyes were sharp on the fan which was also not moving an inch. I looked at it like we were having a conversation only we both could understand. The clock showed that it was 5:30 in the morning. What I had in my mind was 'When will I get him out of my mind?'- Yes, it was about Norman. Again. But sometimes, I knew it was not 'The time' or 'When'...It was a question of 'Is that really what I want?'.
''Maybe all this while it was me who did not want him out of my mind." I talked to myself.
About Norman and I, the problem between us was honestly, indescribable. It's something I could not explain. And of course something I could not answer if anyone came to me and asked me 'Why?'. Trust me I asked myself the same question so many times!
Why did he leave me?
What was wrong with me that he decided to leave?
What was in his head?
At that time, I was honestly hoping that we would get back together. In fact I was not just 'hoping', I PRAYED for it to happen! If I followed my heart, I might have had confronted him face to face and got all the answers I needed. But alas, I knew I was not that brave. And I thought it's also something taboo and conventional. Maybe it was the gender thing. When I told this to Gina, she was pretty reactive about this.
"So what? You can't go find him now to find the answers? What about not letting ourselves left hanging by a man? We can't find the answer because we are a woman? Is there any rules about that now? " Asked Gina rather aggressively.
The answer to Gina's questions- Of course not! There was and is no rules written about that as far as I knew. But just because it was never written on papers or anything, it did not mean that it was not exist. The rule was there, in the brain cells of many people and these people's opinion that I was worried about. And I chose to abide to that rule, that taboo. I think it's someone's personal choice whether or not to stick to it. And if Gina was in my shoes and she wanted to go beyond the rule to find the answer, by all mean, get to town. I would never judge her because again, it's personal choice and it was never something that would become a point for me to judge or to critic someone's life. We have our own ways to correct what was wrong, and our life is how we chose it.
I went to Dr. Love the other day and Ally and I were talking about this whole Norman and I fiasco- yet again.
But this time it was not just with Ally, but also his three male friends who happened to be there as well. With white tops, white pants and brown shoes and hair so perfectly combed, I could not help it to imagine them as a bunch of sailors.
I was not sure why they were wearing the same things and I did not get a chance to ask them neither. God knows their occupations and any other details. One thing that I knew, their questions to me have somehow opened my mind about many things.
While I was sipping the hot Sabah's tea made for me, I started to think, maybe the faults were not hundred percent to be put on Norman's shoulder. Maybe some of them were from me that our relationship came to an end. Honestly, I felt like I was being analyzed by them with all the questions.
The first question was about 'winning and losing' and it sounded something like this. 'When there was a friction or argument between Norman and I, who would tend to win? Was I someone who wanted to be right every time? Who did more talking or listening?
I began to recall and look back at all the memories I had in my mind and the only available answer was 'Rarely'. Yes, that was all I could say. I knew it did not look like I was answering the question. But that was the truth, Norman and I were rarely fighting or arguing or anything like that. I knew my answer did not sound logic, in fact it made me feel somehow not normal. It's because it was far from what I always heard from my friends about their relationship. The struggles, the fight, the break ups and all things alike. But I know it was not just me. I remember watching a talk show on TV few years ago when the host Diane Sawyer interviewed the infamous singer Barbra Streisand and she asked Barbra, "Do you and your husband fight?". Barbra answered "All the time! But mostly it was about something stupid. Do you...fight with you husband?" Barbra asked her back.
"Rarely... Do you think something is wrong with it?" Diane answered, followed by a little laugh from Barbra.
To be quite honest, I did not know if I could use any points or facts or argument if we had any crisis and I know so was Norman. And that was why we both would tend to just be silent every time crisis happened. We both had kinda same 'I don't wanna talk about this' attitude. We would normally pretend it like it never happened, no matter how big of a thing it was. If something terrible happened between us on Monday, you better believe it that on Friday, all would be back to normal, like nothing has ever happened between us. We would both act normal and the expressions through our bodies or faces, were none. Zero. Nada.
Their second question was- 'Am I a jealous person'?
Before I answer that question, I could not help to ask myself, what was the meaning of 'jealousy', to be exact? To me, there is one word could describe it, and that was 'Dislike'.
So, my answer for them was 'Yes'. I was a jealous person. As I looked back, I hated it, or 'dislike' it when Norman was being too friendly or nice to my or his friends (yes, including to Ally and Gina) but I never shared this with anyone because to me jealousy is something not 'cool' to posses, let alone to flaunt it to anyone.
As if feeling jealous was not enough, I knew that I was also an obsessive kind of person. When we were still together, I spent quite a lot of time reading his social media. All those comments he made and received there, nothing passed my sight. It was to the point I would stalk every inch of his movement day and night.
However that feeling was only deep in my skin. Nobody could see it, even Norman. I managed to hide that feeling and obsession for years.
Third question: Did I assume he should know everything about me and what I had in mind? In other words, was I a secretive kind of person who would not be frank with what I said?
Maybe....Yeah maybe. But it was not only me, Norman also rarely expressed anything. Maybe I could relate that to the first question. When something happened, we would just avoid to communicate about it. At that moment, I realized that there were just so many things in between us that happened without explanation or proper closure. It was like a lava underneath a mountain.
I was hoping he knew everything about me including what I was thinking and likewise, it seemed like he assumed that I knew A to Z about him. Too much romantic comedy, maybe. If we were destined for each other, we would be able to read each others' mind. What a fantasy!
Fourth question: 'Was I being selfish?'
No. No. No. Not at all! I was being sure about that. One hundred percent. He was the selfish one. But if this turned around to him, would he deny it and say 'No'?.
Fifth question: 'Was I being pushy for him to marry me?'
No. Not at all. I knew him for eight years. If I were being pushy, I believed our relationship would end right when we entered the second year. And it was not only me. Norman also was never a pushy kind of person. Not that I knew of.
Sixth question: 'Have I tried to changed Norman into someone else?'
Yes I did, I asked him to be like a P.Diddy. It was just once anyway, on his birthday. I gifted him a shirt, a perfume and some other stuffs from Sean Jean's merchandise. Did that count?
All these questions were not answered in front of these boys, anyway. I was thinking about them in the car on the way home. I meant there's no way I was going to reveal that I spent so much time stalking Norman and my jealousy when he was talking to Gina and Ally, right? Let this be in my skin forever and god forbid they pass my mouth to anyone till I die.
But in all seriousness, I knew why all these questions were asked to me. I knew the motives behind each of them. They triggered self reflection, something that was hard and rarely be aware of when crisis like this happened. If anything, these question have made me realized that there were rooms of improvement, and the past would remain be the past. The goal was not to repeat them in the future. But that sparked my own question. Could I start everything all over again, without Norman?