I’m afraid. If I let go of your hand, you will fly away and break.

You are so beautiful- effortlessly charming. Even if your lips are dull from the cold, even if your eyes are tired from fighting for your life- you are still as breath-taking as ever. It is just the way you are. I wish I can tell you that you are beautiful everyday.

But I can’t.

You move gracefully under the sunlight yet you shine brighter than the sun. I smile as I reach for you but  I never get to hold you because the butterfly you fly so high in the sky. I want to hold you so that I can keep you here with me with the most safety I can provide you. But I am the weak me, I cannot even call out for you.

Will you stop the time?

Because I’m afraid. If we were to close our eyes, will we still find each other in our wake? I am afraid when I open my eyes, you would not be there anymore as you fled to high and far already. I am afraid if you open your eyes, I would not be there anymore.

You are an adventurous girl. You love to wander too far into the wood that I turn into a mad man searching for you in hope you will not completely leave me when I just get to have you by my side. This frustration in me is building up fast as I blame myself if I ever love.

I love you.

I never even said those words to you. I desperately want to tell you how much you mean to me but the words never come out. No matter how many times I choked on the syllables. No matter how many time I beat my chest to let out the word-  I can’t even say your name.

My best way to show that I care is to hug you close but I’m afraid the longer you are in my arms- the more your wings will get wet from my tears.

You who look even more ethereal under the moonlight- I don’t even notice when you start living in my heart. I’m scared you are too beautiful you are not suit for this wretched world. The God might want you to be by His side soon. That’s why when you questioned my acts on keeping you close to me I smiled. You are still here and I’m already missing you.

How would I cope with it when you are not around ?

Sometimes fate is cruel because it makes the weak me fall in love with the strong you. I feel pathetic whenever you call me and I never answer. I just can look at you and smile- that’s all I can ever do.

“Ian.”

You are so beautiful, my butterfly. Even your voice hints heaven. Sometimes when you mention about wanting to hear my voice- I grew curious too. If I ever have a voice; how would it sounds like? Will you like it ?

But nowadays you look like you’ve got no strength left in you. You are left lying on the bed as you stare at the white ceiling. It’s subtle but I noticed somewhere between a few sniffles and smiles, tears wet your milky cheeks. You were never this vulnerable and I blame myself for not be able to do anything.

Though nowadays, I also noticed that sometimes the ground shook on it’s own- or maybe it is just me. I can’t no longer take any food in- everything hurts. My head sometimes spinned so much that I have to stay in the bathroom for hours in case you noticed my misery.

You don’t need more things to worry on.

My beautiful wife, Liora. Do you remember our day? The day that I’ve got to call you my wife. You looked so magnificent and I wondered how I came across such a beauty. I once satisfied with just watching you from afar but when you started looking in my way, I can’t help but to be pulled towards you. That day everyone celebrated us and you said “I do”.

But I never get to say it. “I do.”

So I will do it now. My dear perfect wife, Liora Nathan. Thank you so much for being my one and only source of strength, hope and love. I can’t imagine how grateful I am to you.

I’m sorry that I never get to say I love you- for always be the one that receive rather than give. But you’re always patient. Even when I didn’t say it back you smiled and muttered it’s okay- but it’s not. I’m sorry.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

My dear wife, when you read this- I may have already arrived at  the doorstep of afterlife. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you nor can I bring you with me. I know you suffered as much as me.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I’ve got brain tumor and it was already on the 4th level when I realized. Not only that I’m unable to say I love you - I can’t even stay with you longer. I’m sorry.

I will wait for you here. Till the day we meet again- I will be here. I hope the day won’t be long from now because I miss you.

I need you. I hope you don’t fly too high and break your wings.

Your mute husband,

Ian Dylan

To my butterfly.